Silent Conversations
We all do it. We replay scenarios in our head, practicing what we’d say, anticipating how they might respond. But instead of speaking up, we stay silent. Not because we don’t care, but because it feels safer than risking rejection, anger, or being misunderstood. These silent conversations might feel protective, but over time, they can leave us stuck, resentful, and even disconnected from the people we care about most.
Something inside us whispers: They’ll yell. They’ll scream. They’ll ignore me. They’ll cut me off.
When the “they wills” start piling up, take a step back and remind yourself: what we imagine isn’t always reality.
Think about the times you thought someone was ignoring you, only to realize later they were asleep. Or when you played out a big, dramatic outcome in your head, only to find out it wasn’t nearly as bad as you imagined.
And if, in the grand scheme of things, those worst-case reactions were the reality —if speaking honestly did lead to yelling or shutting down — then that might be a sign to reevaluate the relationship altogether.
Why Honesty Matters
What would it look like to be honest, vulnerable, and willing to have challenging but necessary conversations, instead of exhausting ourselves by talking to person A, C, D, and E about person B?
Because when we do that, two things usually happen:
We walk away more frustrated about the situation.
We pile on even more “what-ifs” and “they wills.”
The harmful part? When the person does the same thing again, we’re ready to cut them off, without ever giving them the chance to hear us out. Venting feels like a release, but unless we talk to the person who can actually change the situation, nothing changes.
So What Do We Do?
Let’s be realistic: conflict happens in every relationship. The real question is, how do we navigate it?
One strategy I appreciate from DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) is the DEARMAN technique. It’s a step-by-step way to communicate clearly, set boundaries, and advocate for yourself without losing respect for the relationship.
Here’s a quick overview:
Describe the situation clearly.
Express how you feel.
Assert what you need.
Reinforce why it matters.
Mindful: stay focused on the conversation.
Appear confident.
Negotiate when needed.
I’ll be sharing a separate handout soon with more details if you want to dig deeper.
Big Takeaways
It’s important to communicate how you feel, even when the outcome is uncertain, or when you’re stuck in the “they wills.”
Every thought about what we believe will happen isn’t always true (Check out my upcoming article, Thought Detective, to learn how to spot the difference.)
Venting to friends can help, but don’t forget to talk directly to the person who can make a difference.
Remember: often it’s not what we communicate, but how.
And if you’ve tried all of this and the relationship still feels the same, check out my next article on Boundaries.
Navigating relationships isn’t about perfection; it’s about the process. Take the first step, experiment, and learn along the way. Don’t overthink it. You’ve got this.
